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Being a woman of a certain age, I’m supposed to swoon for George Clooney. Like every other card-bearing middle-aged femininity, it’s incumbent on me to melt at her seductive smile and want to run my hands through her still thick hair.

George is number one on the manhood podium, an honor that was only briefly tarnished when his bachelor status was overturned by a 37-language-speaking human rights lawyer and the twins swiftly struck.

I never bought the Clooney Club anyway because he always looked a bit smug, in the tequila business and hovering between Darfur and his Nespresso-funded Lake Como mansion.

Now I am disgusted again with his revelation that he cuts his hair with a device that connects to a vacuum cleaner.

In a lost comment, Clooney, blessed by the follicle, has cemented my growing concern about an alarming disparity that is about to destroy decades of progress for women.

Forget about the gender pay gap, it’s the gender readiness gap, the difference that men and women pay to look essentially good, that will set us back for years to come.

“I’ve been cutting my hair for 25 years,” reveals the actor, no doubt as he serves himself a vintage chianti that he splashed on because they weren’t spending $ 200 every eight weeks for a color and cut at Curl Up and Dye.

“Years ago, I bought a thing called Flowbee,” he continued.

“It comes with a vacuum cleaner and a razor. My hair is like straw, so it’s easy to cut. “

Clooney has not only exempted himself from the terminating hours and pointless little talk of a hair salon, but he has also backed the four percent of men whose wives or mothers don’t get their hair cut to wear whatever they have to. hand. The electric razor could be reborn in the hands of the self-sheared.

Now I don’t blame men for the gender gap in grooming; that is a profound act of stupidity that women have provoked. But as we get crazier and crazier in our pursuit of physical self-improvement, men are increasingly taking a low-cost, low-effort approach to personal maintenance.

Traditional shit, showering, and shaving have been cut short by the pandemic, with at least one component seen by many as optional.

The women, meanwhile, glue mink fur to their lashes, inject their lips, wash their vaginas against the current, bounce their foreheads, make microblades in their eyebrows, lift their faces with magic threads and pay thousands to blow up their butt and boobs.

Add waxing, manicures, facials, foils, highlights, blow dryers, and all of the Priceline content and it becomes obvious that any narrowing of the gender pay gap is thwarted by extreme grooming.

If feminism allowed this nonsense and Instagram kicked it into the mainstream, then I can’t be the only one yearning for my mother’s era when “upkeep” involved a quick debauchery with her husband’s razor, a suffocating Ponds and eyes. highlighted with that. looking for a shade of blue Agnetha.

It’s now a full-time job to be “beach-ready” or “bedroom-ready” or “date-ready,” meaning that men are coming to these occasions relaxed and current-conscious, while women are Women worry that their fake tan could be patchy or that they may not be able to eat dinner due to lip filling.

Women are not taking the Nobel Prize, or planning manned flights to Mars, or finding a vaccine for COVID, or increasing their retirement, because they are too busy stuffing jade eggs in their wotsit or pondering themed nail art. Christmas Even my favorite natural “boho” vibe is so elaborately made with sea salt hairspray and loads of bangles that I wonder what hobby I could have perfected or what business idea I could have pursued if I hadn’t been playing with a stylist. $ 300 trying to nail the correct degree of curl.

We can blame the patriarchy all we want for the ills of the world, but they did shit, not because they were intellectually superior or better with spreadsheets, but because they looked in the mirror, combed their hair with saliva, got more or more . minus the same outfit that they have been wearing for 400 years and continued to do so.

Although I have a reasonable authority that they occasionally sit on their own testicles, no one thought, “Oh, we’re going to have ball sac surgery. It will be much more comfortable and it will look sexier. ”No, they did a little jiggle, they admired their parents’ bodies, and then they launched into fun things like squilling or designing computers or going fishing.

Meanwhile, we are witnessing how the most educated and empowered women in history give up their salary for a labiaplasty, the results of which they cannot even see unless they squat in front of a mirror, which is not a good use of the nobody’s time.

It is time for us to take a hard look at our increasingly cartoonish faces and cared for bodies and refuse to be victims of this slavery of images. As much as it pains me to stand up for his example, Clooney certainly got the cool girl because he invested in his brain and his business; her hair not so much.

[email protected]; twitter.com/angelamollard

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